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Yarrow

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Marsha's dead [Dec. 13th, 2007|04:18 pm]
Yarrow
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Marsha died yesterday afternoon.  She had been unconscious since Saturday December 1, when she'd been diverted to MCV after the ambulance taking her to a less high-powered hospital thought she was having a stroke.  In fact she was having seizures, which proved impossible to control.  Eventually they gave her pentobarbital, a sedative that creates an artifical coma, to let her brain rest.  Last Thursday they started gradually decreasing the dosage of the pentobarbital, but her EEG showed she was still seizing and they increased it again.  The seizure brain waves never stopped, and Monday we decided to take her off the respirator, after enough of the pentobarbital had cleared her bloodstream that we knew that if she could breath on her own she would.

I slept by her bed Monday and Tuesday nights, holding her hand most of those hours.  On Wednesday they turned the respirator down, then off, and then removed the breathing tube.  She opened her eyes when the breathing tube came out, but was otherwise unresponsive.  I put my face where she could see it, if she was seeing anything in this world, and told how much I loved her and how wonderful she was, while her heart rate climbed from 100 to 140 beats per minute, and then gradually went down to 30, then zero.  Then back to 30 for just a few seconds.  Then back to zero for good, and the long work work of dying was over.

I loved her very much.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: swansister
2007-12-13 09:24 pm (UTC)
Oh my friend, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It was evident that you loved her very very much.

With Love and compassion,

Swan
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:04 am (UTC)
Thanks, Swan. Yes, we loved each other very much.
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[User Picture]From: yezida
2007-12-13 10:13 pm (UTC)
Oh Yarrow. I don't even know what to say except my love and thoughts are with you. You were an amazing companion to Marsha and I'm so glad you were able to tell her how much you loved her as she died. What a powerful blessing.

love, love, love, love and hugs for you.
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:04 am (UTC)
Thanks, Thorn. I don't know what to say either! Thanks for your love. (And hugs!)
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[User Picture]From: bellamagic
2007-12-14 12:50 am (UTC)
Love and blessings and good god what can one say? The relationship you had with each other always amazed and inspired me. May That Which Is hold you gently, and help Marsha find her way to rest and peace. {{{{{hug}}}}}
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:05 am (UTC)
Thanks, Bella. I think Marsha's having fun. In the first year or two we were together, Marsha had a dream that her three-wheeled scooter had helicopter blades and she was flying around in it. Right after her heart stopped, when I had my hands on her head reminding her she was dead now and free to leave us, I perceived her flying off in that helicopter chair with great glee.

She always did like adventures.
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[User Picture]From: america_divine
2007-12-14 01:33 am (UTC)
Words fail me. I have grown to love you with few words passing between us this past decade. I hold you in my mind and heart.
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:05 am (UTC)
Thanks, Copper. Words fail me too. I'll just think of your smile, eh?
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[User Picture]From: northlighthero
2007-12-14 02:37 am (UTC)
Words feel so useless, but sometimes they are all I have ...

Your loving support has been so beautiful. I feel so blessed for Marsha that she had you beside her all the way to the end of this life.

Now her task is to follow her light to whatever is next for her ... and yours is to grieve. I hope you will let your friends hold you through that, at least some of the way. Will you?

Especially right this minute I wish you Love and Light and Lots of Healing Laughter
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:06 am (UTC)
Thanks, Northlight. Yes, I've been grieving with friends, held by loving friends. (Some in body, some like you in spirit.)
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[User Picture]From: redswirl3
2007-12-14 02:58 pm (UTC)
I can not express in words how sorry I am for your sadness and loss. I am glad you where able to be there and also express your love. My heart and thoughts are with you.
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:06 am (UTC)
Thanks, Red. Your words help.
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[User Picture]From: storm_and_raven
2007-12-16 01:21 am (UTC)

Peace...

I love you, Yarrow. And I wish for you peace in your soul. You did everything so right, so lovingly. You loved her enough to let her go, you loved her enough to remain by her side.

I know that your life will not be empty, even though Marsha is now gone. And for that, I am grateful and thankful to the gods and the Guardians.

You have a loving family to support you in your grief. And I believe that it was planned this way all along. The universe, god, whatever name by which we call it, knew.

Love to you, as you complete the tasks that a loved ones' death brings.

I am here for you.

Love,
Storm
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[User Picture]From: angelweed
2007-12-16 05:07 am (UTC)

Re: Peace...

Thanks, Storm. I didn't do everything right, but I did a damn good job, and that's an enormous comfort. Thanks for your love and thanks for your support.
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[User Picture]From: quedishtu
2007-12-18 03:38 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for creating what you had with Marsha and enriching my world with it.

May you find comfort in the darkness, solace in the love of family and friends, and may you grieve deeply and well.

many blessings,
Sherry
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